Talking to Teens About Spiritual Things
One dad recalls a meeting he had with other fathers about
how to communicate with young people about spiritual issues: In a “Rite of Passage” planning session with
six other dads. Our conversation centered around how we could discuss spiritual
concepts with our children, to prepare them to take their places in the church as godly
men and women. However, several of the fathers stated they had never before talked
with their children about spiritual matters.
You might understand the response of those men. Even if you have carefully and conscientiously nurtured faith in your children through their early years, adolescence brings changes. As a young child, your son or daughter may have accepted everything you said without question. Now there seems to be nothing but questions. In short, the season of “sermons” is over; the days of discussion have arrived.
The reason is simple: Teens want to be treated as adults. So, in order to talk with them about spiritual matters, we parents need to relate to our teens as grownups. The best place to begin is by building on the existing relationship.
Building on the Relationship
1. Spending time with your teen.
Time communicates value to teenagers; when we spend time
with them, we know they are important to us. Teens want (and need) some privacy and
“space,” but keep planning family activities that include them.
2. Listen more than lecture.
The time for instruction is mostly past; now it’s important
to listen to our teens so we can better understand how they think. Listening creates
opportunities to find out what they know, what they think, what they feel and what principles
guide their lives. Here are a few ideas to help you listen more closely:
Ask open-ended questions that start with words such as how,
what and why. For example: “When your prayer wasn’t answered the way you
wanted, how did you feel? Why do you think God answered the way he did?”
Ask your teens to define what’s important in their culture.
Ask about particular words in songs or popular phrases they use.
Praise them for their accomplishments, such as earning good
grades, reaching a tough goal or making a hard decision that showed good
judgment. Avoid the trap of seeing—and talking about —only their mistakes and
shortcomings.
3. Express encouragement and affection, physically and verbally.
We can show our support in simple ways: a hug, a pat on the
back, a kind word or compliment. Just using good manners can communicate love and
respect, which are important to our young men and women. We can say “Please,”
“Thank you,” and “I’m sorry” to them as well as to anyone. Being our children
makes them no less deserving of our consideration.
4. Have fun together.
A ballgame. A meal at a restaurant. A drive in the country.
Shopping at the mall. These are places where you can enjoy casual, non-threatening
conversations and just get to know each other better. Here’s one suggestion: Schedule a
weekly “date night” with your teen, with the understanding that it is for fun and will be
free of heavy conversation. But be sure to blanket your time with prayer in advance.
One father made a breakfast appointment with his teenage son because he wanted to tell his son about the hopes, dreams, and prayers he had for the boy. But the father also found out that the son wanted more time—and breakfasts—with his dad. Thus began a wonderful habit. Each week, father and son went out for the breakfast, where they discussed spiritual issues and other important things. But they also spent a lot of time talking about the sports page. Communication comes easier when it is part of an on-going relationship.
5. Be vulnerable.
Teens respect honesty, and being open with them will
encourage them to be open with us. Vulnerability is not a weakness; it is part of being human.
Our children need to know we have problems, too. The good news is that our troubles give
us opportunities to talk with our teens about how to rely on the Lord and his strength.
6. Live consistently. Values are caught, not taught.
Children look for consistency between our words and actions,
especially when it comes
to our relationship with God. So we need to ask ourselves:
How is my relationship with
Him? What words would the Lord use to describe my
relationship with him? How often
do I pray? What do I ask God for? What happens when I pray?
7. Learn about their world.
Teens often think that adults are out of touch with the
issues they face (and sometimes
they’re right!). One way to understand their world is to
read some teenage magazines.
Then we can follow up on our research be asking our teens’
opinions on topics we come
across. The more we know their world, the more we will know
them.
8. Be a friend.
One way we parents can show respect to our teens is to show
sensitivity and other
affirmation when they are having troubles. We need to resist
the urge to tease them when
they are bothered by something important to them, such as a
relationship with the
opposite sex. Ephesians 4:29 tells us that we should only
say “what is helpful for building
others up according to their needs, that it may benefit
those who listen”—and that verse
doesn’t have an exception clause for our children!
9. Pray specifically for your teen at least once a week.
We must set aside time to pray for our children. Some
parents find it helpful to fast and
pray for their kids one day a week. We can help our teens
see the power of prayer when
we ask them every week what we can pray about for them. They
may be concerned about
a tough exam or a friendship that’s run aground. They might
even talk about a temptation
that they are struggling with.
At the end of the week, remember to tell your teen you were
praying for him or her.
Together, you will see how God answers your prayers.
Talking Spiritual
As your relationship develops, you will find more and more
opportunities to discuss deep,
spiritual matters. Here are some key topics and questions to
cover—but don’t be limited by this
list. Be prepared to talk about any questions, doubts or
discoveries your teen has.
1. Your teen’s personal relationship with God.
Try asking your teen, “If God were to describe your
relationship with him, what words
would He use? What makes you feel this way?”
2. Purity and holiness.
Ask, “How would you describe ‘purity’ to your best friend?
Why? When I say the word
‘holy’, what comes to mind, and why?”
3. Prayer.
Ask, “How does prayer fit into your daily life? If prayer is
spiritual breathing, what
chokes it out of your schedule? What is the biggest question
you have about prayer?”
4. Relationships.
As an icebreaker, you might say, “Describe a relationship
between a boy and a girl that
honors God. What limits are important for you to maintain in
a relationship that glorifies
God? Whom do you know that sets a good example in a boy-girl
relationship? What
makes it good?”
5. Honor.
Ask your teen, “How do you honor a friend of yours? Why? How
does that friend honor
you?”
“Impress Them on Your Children”
God gave parents the responsibility to talk with children
about Him, to pray with them and help
them grow in their own faith (Deuteronomy 6:4-7; Psalm
78:1-8). When we talk with our teens
about spiritual things, our honesty, patience, vulnerability
and willingness to make time for them
can open the doors to the life in Christ we hope for them
and the relationship God himself
desires.
Talking in Your Teen’s World
Parents can wonder if the teen in their family has come from
another country—or maybe another
planet. That’s how hard communication can seem, even in the
best relationships. How can you
encourage open, honest discussion with your teen? Try some
of these ideas.
1. Plan your communication.
Good communication requires a proper mood and setting, as
well as good timing. Some
parents find that going for a long drive with their teen once
a week is a great way to
create discussion time. Not only is there a “captive
audience,” but your conversation may
feel less intimidating because you are talking side by side,
not face to face. The two of
you may be in a much better position, literally, to have a
great discussion.
2. Have a discussion, don’t preach a sermon.
A conversation is like a tennis game: To keep the match
going, the ball must be hit back
and forth. Rather than dictating conclusions or discounting
their ideas, use questions and
thoughtful responses to coach your teen’s thinking and help
them learn to think and speak
clearly about important issues.
3. Engage them in non-threatening, thought-provoking
conversation.
Ask your teen’s opinions on different issues. Talk about the
news you hear or read, or
open a discussion about a TV program you watch together.
Remember: If you respect
your teen’s opinions, it’s likely they will respect yours
(even if they don’t say so).
4. Make it easy for your teen to be honest.
One couple created a report card so their son and daughter
could grade them on their
relationship. It looked like this:
Dad (Mom) shows me he (she) loves me ___
Dad (Mom) is fair in his (her) decisions ___
Dad (Mom) is interested in my feelings ___
Dad (Mom) admits when he (she) is wrong ___
Dad (Mom) spends enough time with me ___
Dad (Mom) controls his (her) anger and words ___
Dad (Mom) listens to what I say ___
Dad (Mom) is fun ___
Dad (Mom) trusts me ___
Dad (Mom) respects me ___
Dad (Mom) enjoys being with me ___
Dad (Mom) provides spiritual leadership ___
Dad (Mom) makes me a priority in his (her) life ___
Overall grade ___
One a scale from 1 to 10 (10 is best), what kind of
relationship do you want with Dad
(Mom)? ____
On the same scale, where are you today in your relationship
with Dad (Mom)?
If your Dad (Mom) could change three things to raise his or
her grade to a 10, what
would they be?
1.
2.
3.
In Deuteronomy 6:4-7, God instructs parents to teach
children about following him. In
what three areas of your spiritual walk would you like your
dad or mom to help?
1.
2.
3.
This approach opens the door for great conversations. But be
careful when using this
process. This isn’t a time to defend your position; you can
only ask questions to clarify a
response. Remember: “Do not embitter your children, or they
will become discouraged”
(Colossians 3:21).
Note: Some of the ideas in this section are adapted from the
books Faithful Parents, Faithful
Kids, by Greg P. Johnson and Mike Yorkey (Tyndale) and
Raising Responsible Kids, by Jay Kesler
